I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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