Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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