Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
And then he peed in my hair
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