I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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