How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
