The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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