who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
