She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
