need another drink. this is the easiest way
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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