Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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