my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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