i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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