does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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