I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
