i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
