Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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