My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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