I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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