she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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