My Higher Power is John Stamos
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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