I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
