in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Who died my cat blue again?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
