Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
