I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
