My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I puked a lego.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
