I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
