Pants 0. Shit 1.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
