i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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