What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
