i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
