I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
