i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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