does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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