I am puke
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
