sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
