i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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