My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
