i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
