"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
