Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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