The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
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And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
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Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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