I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
