You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
