Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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