i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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