i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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