i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I need to sanitize my soul.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
