so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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