I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
