Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
