He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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