I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
