Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
