I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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