I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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