I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
porn star boner night. come get it.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Randomize
