Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
