imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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